Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease pans. Line them like you mean it.
Whisk flour, cinnamon, baking powder, soda, and salt in a bowl. Pretend you’re on a cooking show.
In another bowl, beat butter, sugars, and eggs until smooth, fluffy, and emotionally stable.
Mix in coffee, vanilla, and milk. Keep calm and blend on.
Fold dry mix into wet mix. Don’t overmix unless you enjoy dry cakes and disappointment.
Pour batter evenly into pans. Bake for 28–30 minutes.
Cool cakes for 10 minutes. Flip onto racks like a pro.
Make syrup by simmering water, coffee, and sugar. Brush over cooled cakes. Generously.
Beat cream, cream cheese, sugar, cinnamon, and vanilla until thick but spreadable—like your sarcasm.
Layer cake with frosting. Decorate if you must, or slice it like you earned it (you did