Marinate tofu: In a bowl, combine olive oil, soy sauce, liquid smoke, paprika, and garlic. Coat sliced tofu. Let it sit 10 minutes.
Grill tofu: Use a grill pan or skillet on medium heat. Grill 4–5 minutes each side until crispy and golden. Let cool.
Mix coffee soak: Combine brewed coffee with maple syrup. Set aside to cool fully.
Whip cream filling: In a bowl, beat vegan cream cheese, coconut whip, powdered sugar, and vanilla until smooth and fluffy.
Assemble: Dip ladyfingers quickly in coffee mix. Layer at the bottom of a dish. Add grilled tofu slices as your “wild card.”
Add cream layer: Spread half the cream mixture over the base. Repeat with remaining biscuits and cream.
Dust with cocoa: Sift cocoa powder on top like you’re passive-aggressively covering past mistakes.
Chill: Refrigerate at least 3 hours before serving, or overnight if you’re a patient goddess.