Preheat oven to 350°F and grease both pans like they’re your ex’s DMs—generously and with suspicion.
Whisk flour, cocoa, sugars, baking powder, soda, and salt in a bowl—like you’re avoiding responsibilities.
Mix espresso, almond milk, oil, vinegar, and vanilla in another bowl—no passive-aggressive stirring, please.
Combine wet with dry until smooth but still moody.
Pour evenly into pans and bake for 35 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out with just a little sass.
Let cool in pans for 10 minutes, then flip onto a rack and whisper affirmations until cooled.
For frosting, beat butter until fluffy enough to ghost your problems.
Gradually add powdered sugar, cocoa, espresso, vanilla, and salt. Beat until smooth and too good for this world.
Stack cakes, frost in layers, and decorate like the queen you are.
Chill before slicing—both the cake and you.